I was a kid in the 90s, and boy am I grateful! Yes I know, everyone thinks that their childhood decade was the best. I’m not saying it was the best, I’m just saying it was better than today. Yeah, I said it.
To start with the worst thing going on today: Social media is a death trap, like literally. People live on it and die from it because stalkers can easily find you between “checking in” and snap chatting there are no secrets anymore. But besides that there are so many other things that made us 90s kids so cool and so connected, even before the internet.
1. The house phone
Hang it up on the kitchen wall and anybody who wants to chat better do it right there where the whole house can hear your business. I mean, what you got to hide? It kept us honest and half decent because you knew your mom could hear everything you were saying. Sometimes she would even pretend to be otherwise engaged but we knew the truth, that her ears were great multitaskers.
2. Kids had no cell phones
They should be like backpacks, you get it when you’re leaving the house. To be used for emergencies only. NOT like today when the idiots can’t even take a walk without their noses in the phone. Really? So you’re just going to block the sidewalk because you’re staring at the screen when I’m behind you and have places to go and dummy get out of the way before I turn that selfie into a tragedy! Mooove!
3. Meet me outside
In the 90s we went outside. That is where all things social occured. Nowadays going outside is novel. Back then we lived outside, staying in was torture. We curl up behind our screens and troll, making nasty comments, hiding behind fake names and faces. No guts, no integrity, out of shape and socially inept. Blech. Go outside people.
4. Watching one tv episode per week….
Haha just joking, I don’t need this one back. I’m a binge watcher just like everyone else. Am I proud? No. But I do it sometimes. I will say that I only do it if I’m late to the party, as in I just heard about Broad City when it was in it’s fourth season. Not like those people who wait until the season is over and then start to watch a show. What? That’s some crazy 2017 shit.
5. Talking to your lover on the phone
Ok I was too young in the 90s to have a lover but I had plenty of little crush things and don’t think we didn’t talk on the phone until we fell asleep. Remember?! Ok talking on the phone period is outdated. But let’s face it, in the relationship context this evolution is a massive loss. Do you know how many of my single friends have told me that the already dry dating pool is even drier due to these guys wanting to have a text relationship? If you are under 23 I’m not talking to you because you probably really know no better. But to anyone older doing this crap, shame on you!
6. No cameras
Lawd! There was no fear of getting caught on camera fighting, smooching or worse back then. And believe me, there was much worse which could have been caught on camera. Remember the freedom?! No posting of your drunk ass laid out on the dance floor booty exposed to the wind. You had to be there, if not you heard about it. That’s where it ended. But seeing it is another damn thing. How you gonna argue that? Photoshop? Yeah right.
7. Excited kissing
Remember getting turned on by kissing? People nowadays are on some next-level business. If it’s not Gabriel Union talking about eating ass it’s someone else talking about it. Wtf? Nasty ass. Seriously just keep that shit in the bedroom and let’s stop trying to publicly outdo ourselves. A good kisser is still in high demand people.
8. There were only like two motivational speakers
Now there are two billion. Shut up. Shut up! Don’t post anymore “motivational” quotes because we’re tired of you. Unless you’re really good. Otherwise you’re simply annoying and a wannabe.
9. Only two reality shows Real World and Road Rules
Today it’s an epidemic. Nasty third rate chicks and dudes on tv becoming the new celebrities. The new role models. Yuk. I stopped watching long ago and you should too. If for no other reason then because IT IS NOT REAL! It’s fake! Why would you tune in to a blatant lie? Submit yourself to brainwashing? Gtfoh. I do love some of the modern abbreviations though. Because saying “get the fuck outta here” could come off a bit harsh you know what I mean?
10. No social media
Yeah. It has its perks, but the downsides are terrible. Besides the most extreme case mentioned in the beginning of this post, social media is terrible in many other ways. It’s definitely annoying. So many people, literally everyone. So much chatter, so many “experts”, too many videos, too much noise. Everyone is a celebrity. Just check out instagram. Not only is it full of people practically auditioning everyday, to which I will say I respect the hustle, but what about the regular folk? What about Jenny from the block who is not there trying to build her brand or advertise her talents, but who instead is just there taking selfies all damn day plus the pics of her kids friends her mama, the dog, and posting said pics flooding my homepage and scraping my last nerve to death?! Why Jenny?! Get outta here! In fact, gtfoh! It’s too much. Nobody wants to see that many pictures of you, and you ain’t even trying to be a model. So do me a favor, Jenny and social media, just eff off ok? Thanks.