Heartbreak is probably the oldest feeling after desire. Most people have experienced it. There are many songs about it and of course many blogs telling you how to heal.
Well, true to the HML brand, this will not be another softy feely feely post about taking time for you, going slowly blah blah. Nope. As you know, we are a bit more hardcore than that. We know it hurts sis, but what you’re going to do, is get over that guy and fast. Just rip off the bandage, tear off the scar, let it bleed out, then throw the whole box of bandages away. I do understand that in this case we should actually throw away said body part, but I take artistic license here, and we are throwing out the bandage box and leaving the body fully intact.
Firsty, let’s properly define heartbreak. Do you really have it? Did you give a deserving man your heart to honor and safe-keep? I bet you didn’t. I bet you had a nice time with some dude who, after a while tried to violate you by cheating, leaving, lying, becoming boring or useless, whatever. Am I right? I bet I am right in 99.99999% of the cases. So in this case, honey, the diagnosis is: Not Heartbreak. You have what is known as Violate. That dude just violated your pride, your feelings, your time and energy. And yes, I know it hurts. But the good news is, Violate is treated the same way as Heartbreak, only it’s easier because it’s a milder form of Shit to Deal With.
STEP 1 – Beast mode
You gotta reinvent yourself love. Whatever it takes, new hair, especially a cut or color. New project. New body. New man. Can I get an amen for a new man!!! But you have to go hard. Like MMA hard. Pump metal, you have to see the difference as glaringly as Adele’s weight loss. Can we take a moment to hail Ms. Adele for her body transformation. Yaaassss sis yaaasss! This is how you heal Heartbreak and Violate.
STEP 2 – Burn everything
Delete every message. Delete the whole damn email account. Burn all letters, notes, pictures, books. Sell or give away the jewelry and party it up with your friends – drinks on you. You get the point. You must eliminate every trace of that guy, because if he was not important enough to keep around, anything reminiscent of him is also unimportant and must be discarded. As Blu Cantrell once said “When they go then everything goes!”. Complete purge. With each item purged, your Heartbreak or Violate will feel a whole lot better.
STEP 3 – Tell a friend who does not give a f*** about that guy
This is one of the most powerful steps. I will never forget my most recent breakup. It was definitely a Violate and NOT a Heartbreak. When we had that final conversation to put it all on the table and walk away, I was so sad. I met a friend at a cafe the next day and told her about it. Then it happened, a stupid tear came from my eye. Ugh, disgusting. Her response was so unexpected, that I had to consider if we were actually friends. She said:
“What? Are you crying? Are you crying? Really? Really? Girl stop. I can’t believe you’re crying.”
That’s all I remember. The shame of being called out for wasting tears on a clown, a clown whom I knew from the beginning simply served a very limited purpose, and would never be man enough to be of true importance in my life. I knew this because he never brought to my life what I wanted the man in my life to bring. He never invested in us, and therefore had nothing to lose, he could only win, and take. He was an undeserving baby man, and I accepted that garbage. After some time, I started to want more…not from him, but since he was the only one there my vision got cloudy. Girl stop.
When Your Friends Know Better
Sometimes your friends do know better than you. My friend knew that that guy was neither important nor worthy of me. She knew his conduct was not deserving of my time and energy, and definitely not of my tears. So, feeling even sadder about how my pleas for sympathy went down, I went home and went to sleep. When I awoke the next morning, to my surprise, I was 100% over him. I had zero pain, zero interest, and zero f***s to give. I could not believe the magic that occurred while I was sleeping. It was as if fueled by my mean friend’s rudeness, my psyche went to work to heal me. Find a friend to force the truth upon you, to help you see clearly.
Step 4 – Cry For Yourself, DO NOT Cry For That Guy
Do not ever underestimate the value of a good cry. Crying it out can be cleansing, as if washing away the pain, misery, and negative energy. However, to truly make the cry a good, worthy, and cleansing experience, you must focus it on the proper goal. This cry is for you baby. Stay with me here.
What the Cry is NOT About:
- that guy
- that guy lying, leaving, cheating, becoming a loser
- anything at all related to THAT guy
What the Cry IS About:
Cry for yourself because you are broken inside, independently of dude. There is a defect within you which you need to heal. Perhaps you feel lonely, personally unfulfilled, professionally dissatisfied, generally over life as we live it. It could literally be many different things or combinations thereof. Cry for you darling, because you realize that you must heal the hole within your soul so that other clowns can’t slip in through the cracks.
Cry for you because you let that guy stay around far too long, sucking your life energy, because you were too unstable to send his useless butt away a long time ago. That is some serious kind of broken, and it is ok. Now you know what you need to do, and you are doing it.
Step 5 – Make a Monster Playlist
Music is powerful, that is the reason it is a trillion-dollar industry. It infects your mind, talks to your soul, can activate the beast within you, and excites your demons. This is power.
A few guys ago I would have advocated for a playlist echoing love, forgiveness, and “I’ll be alright” messages, like Erykah Badu’s Bag Lady. When she chants “I bet you love could make it better”, over and over again, it can have you believing that your man is out there just waiting to love you and to make it better, and you gotta go find him! This isn’t that. This is a new day darling. This is a new list. Yes, love could make it better, just not love from the next guy, but instead, love from yourself.
Your playlist should make you feel strong, powerful, and absolutely unwilling to tolerate any mess from any guy. Some of my faves:
- No No remix – Mariah Carey with Stefflon Don
- Monster – Nicky Minaj’s verse. ONLY HER VERSE
- Power – Beyoncé
In ‘No No’, Mariah hits us with the “I said no, look I said no, look I said no, nooooooooooo”. She said it in different languages too just to make sure the boy understood. No! No more lying, no more sorry, and for damn sure, no more coming back. Whew! She got me really excited with this one, and all I wanted to do was to scream “No!” in some dude’s face.
Ms. Carey hit the bullseye in that song with “After everything I’ve already been through, I can’t waste no time paying attention to you. I said nooo”. Thank you Queen. Mariah is my diva. I love her because she is not a serial dater. She has been in the spotlight for decades, yet I have only heard of her being connected with a handful of guys, and only four were confirmed, two of which were husbands. It would appear that our diva has more important things to do than to waste time on many many men. This substantially lowers the probability of Heartbreak or Violate, so I am a fan of this lifestyle. But for those times when you find yourself caught up with a guy who hurt you, this song packs the energy you need to get over that guy, so blast it on loop.
Monster is a track apparently with other artists. I have never bothered to listen to the others…the dudes. Why would I? I discovered this song while watching a Nicky interview. Once I found the song, the verse, I was fully satisfied. “Now first thing’s first, I’ll eat your brain, then imma start rocking gold teeth and fangs, cuz that’s what a mu***f****ng monster do…”. Pardon? Yes, you read correctly. This song spoke to my demons, and I loved it.
When you are going through a breakup, it is war. You are constantly in a battle until you get over that guy. So get your monster up, because monsters do not sit around crying for mere mortals.
You have to be strong during battle, and this song “Power” is that fight song that has you chanting and believing “They’ll never take my power, my power, my power”, over and over again until you are fully convinced that you are the goddess, the beginning and end of life itself. And let’s not talk about the video. Ok, let’s. Beyoncé is summoning the African goddesses to help her send the message loud and clear, so that we will never forget “They will never ever take my power”. Ladies, you need this energy in life, everyday, but you definitely need it to help you get over that guy fast.
Do What It Takes, Then Be Done With It
We know that you have to do what it takes to heal. Violate can be so deeply personal that you cringe and recoil at the thought of that guy. You may have to cry, a lot, for a long time. Maybe, maybe not. You may have to talk your friends’ ears off, drink too much, indulge in carnal delights, whatever. Your process is your own. So do it. But the goal is clear – that guy must be quickly purged from your system and from your life like some crap that gave you horrible food poisoning. Relentlessly focus on that purge goal – which feels so good by the way. And here is an insider tip, every morning when you awake, repeat this phrase:
“I just have to make it through today.”
Believe me, one day soon, peace will come. Now I have to go.