I think you are all going to like this little series I have created for your viewing pleasure.
You keep asking me to sex and dirty it up – well here we go. Sex and the City eat your heart out.
Enjoy the ride.
- First, I said I wouldn’t after the first ring – I did.
- Then I said I wouldn’t anymore after the second ring – I did.
- Then I said I would definitely stop and commit when I become a mother – I didn’t.
I am a bad girl. Or maybe this was just a symptom of not being in the right relationship. Whatever the reason, hot sweaty, naked, moving the furniture with our horizontal pelvic movements things…happened. And now, well, I have something to write about and you have something to read and judge me on. Excellent.
My cheating progression gets more and more interesting thanks to all the tech developments in this area. Let’s call it the wood you need to start a fire. Still confused? Tinder, ok I said it.
Let’s discuss Tinder…. I know you want to hear all the juicy, sweaty, mostly horrible details. And I am a woman who aims to please.
I was a stay at home mum (SAHM), hadn’t been shagged in over a year and all I had to look forward to was the bullshit laundry. I was slowly, OK very quickly developing an alcohol problem (if a bottle at every play date is still considered a problem) something had to give.
SO… getting to the point, I downloaded an App my single friend Gigi was using… I was sick of living though her. I wanted a piece of the action too. I needed something, someone or anything to make me feel like I still had “it” – whatever “it” was in a post childbirth world where your VJJ was just a gaping hole that multiple human beings had used to enter the world.
So, I took some pre baby pics and off I went- Really, fuck you for thinking this was false advertising.
Within a half hour I felt better. In a day I felt re-born. After a few weeks I realized to my total shock and surprise that I STILL had ‘it’! I got matches…and more than one. Boys started to talk to me and flirt with me. Me, covered in yoghurt, no longer attractive, legging wearing, slave cleaning lady and desperate housewife, little me!!!
Judge all you like, it was awesome.
Swipe 1, Date 1 – The Prison Guard
Bless him he was like 22, I felt like a proper cradle snatcher. But this didn’t stop me from having a proper text flirt romance for a few good weeks, by weeks, I mean days.
Then he asked me out for dinner. Dinner more specifically defined as burgers…. Hmmm. I know I had been out of the game for a while but burgers, really? I’m not really a “cool” girl (see this post).
Would I ever define the consumptions of semi-cooked meat in a bread roll as a “dinner date” – hell no! I was skeptical, but I went. The burger was posh and great, the conversation, even better.
This dude had the most interesting job EVER! I mean ever! He had been vague, told me he was in “justice”… WTF does that even mean? But a prison guard, way cool. Think Orange is the New Black but with violence and men. Like Viking type men… ok this is just my imagination making the best of it. I don’t want to think about overweight, balding men in cheap polyester issued clothing – so with the help of a glass of rosé, I added a rose filter to all the stories he told me.
I went out on a date and I had fun. I talked about things that had nothing to do with the color and consistency of newborn baby crap or recent advancements in house cleaning appliances. Who was I? Was that even possible? Yes, yes, yes it was.
Young Prison Guard – YPG for short, offered me the world – he wanted the sensual older woman Yoda to his uniform-wearing sex fetish young Jedi. Drug induced frenzied lovemaking – readily accessible to him from the prison – tempting, I had to admit; additional burger dates; his own room in a shared house… I mean THE WORLD.
I told him I would think about it and that I would call him and he shouldn’t call me.
Unfortunately, post babies I was not in a position where I felt I could educate (as I was not even sure my VJJ was in working order, let alone available for studious experimentation). So despite many topless headshots, young muscles flexed in an attempt to convince me.
I politely declined to influence this very young and impressionable man.
But I did feel the need to watch some porn made by Erika Lust…..