Unless you are a bicycle, a car or a bed, there is no reason that you should be ridden, revved out or lain upon by many many men. If you consider yourself to be one of those objects then stop reading and go do what you do. Go be a slut. This post is for the rest of us.
The latest sex propaganda has us thinking that screwing around is awesome. If you agree then you should join Amber Rose on her annual slut walk and brag to the world that your coochie is garbage. If you are seeking as many penises as possible to ride then I am sure that they too are seeking you. Get it girl! But really?
There are few things if any that I would rather do with my body regularly than hot delicious nasty turn me upside down inside out and round and round sex. Push me pull me drag me drain me. Yes! I’ll take it. I will gladly slut for my old faithful. But sex is also like dancing, or kissing…not everyone is going to match you and give you the proper good good. So why waste the nookie on the duds? Here are 3 reasons why you should find your Mr. Goodbar and eat at home only:
- DIRTY DICK
I was tempted to save this one for last, but I couldn’t wait. Even before I hit puberty there was a lot of talk about AIDS. This was the one you did not want to get. Then they showed us a video in Sex Ed class, and I saw a hell of a lot of other diseases that you really just don’t want to get. After watching it I remember saying “I’ll never have sex!”, because I was not going out like that. Itchy, scratchy, blistered, oozing, ewww. Just because you don’t see it, does not mean that they don’t have it. And the more you screw around the higher the chances are that you will run into some dirty dick. Slow down babe, you gotta be more selective than the CIA.
When you are a one-man girl you don’t have these concerns. Dada can buss it up raw any time anyplace because he’s been screened and the results are A ok!
- TOO WEIRD FOR COMFORT
I remember this one time at band camp…ok so it was college and I was with my crush of the week rolling around in bed. Kiss up kiss up and rub up rub up and feel up feel up in full effect. Then it was time. I pulled out the condom…this was where it started to go wrong. It was like the damn inquisition! Why shouldn’t I have condoms? I’m here for sex. Duh. I was not going to risk not getting any and having to leave unsatisfied. He finally got over it, but then he wanted to leave the bed and put the condom on in the bathroom. Birds chirping. No love. Not with me. What’s going on? That’s where it went wrong for me. I don’t know what he was hiding, but I need to see the goods before admission can granted. Weird.
You don’t have to deal with this foolishness with your Mr. Goodbar. Lights on legs spread, eyes open. Now we can begin. You feel me baby?
source: Flickr / James Vaughan
- HE CAN’T, HE JUST CAN’T
Whether he can’t get it up or sex with him is like a bumper car, a lot of stop and go without ever getting into a groove, some guys just can’t. Let’s be honest, not all sex is hot. Some of it can be damn cold and gross. If you’ve ever experienced this, then you can appreciate why sticking to your certified ride that passes its routine tests is a good idea. He’s always ready to go and delivers every time.
Now I know that true monogamy means one mate throughout your lifetime, like ducks. When your mate dies, you’re screwed, or rather, never screwed again. But we all know that is asking way too much, so let’s stick to the modern definition: Extreme selectivity, being a one-man girl, and a general modus operandi of decency, and you’re good.
Be exclusive with your na na so that you can get as nasty as you wanna with a peaceful mind, and leave the dirty dicks, the weirdos and the dudes who just can’t for Amber and the other sluts.