Gents, we need to have a talk about dating rules.
Recently, the standard has seriously declined and without good reason. Tinder and such are facilitators that remove the first awkward approach at a bar, taking away the need for shit like:
- “Did it hurt?, when you fell from heaven?”, or
- “Do you come here often?”.
These Apps are not an excuse to be a crappy date or to stop behaving like a gentleman!
- Wear clean shoes and clothes
Yes, she will notice mysterious stains AND unclean shoes circa 1993 are never going to fly, neither are dirty tennis shoes. Ask yourself, do I actually play tennis? Also note that the “hood” or “street look” ended for rich white boys when Eminem got abducted by aliens. He actually was. Fact.
- Wear Deodorant
There are no exceptions; you are not the exception EVER. I never want to hear “I don’t sweat much”. Dude, save it for the patchouli-wearing hippy who does not shave her pits.
You in your eu naturel state have no place next to my Chanel perfume cloud. You simply smell and no, not in the kind of way that makes me want to have sex with you. Oh and teeth, brush and floss twice a day!
- Be on time or early
You wait for her, not the other way around.
Do I really need to mention this? I mean, it takes time to look good for a date; you only need to shower (if you actually like the girl) and these days, thanks to Ryan Gosling, you need not even shave.
I, on the other hand,
- Wash hair (yes this is a separate and very involved step);
- Dry and straighten and style hair;
- Make up, including base and proper brows and some attempt at contouring and liquid eyeliner (if you are a decent prospect);
- Choose matching underwear (unless I have my period);
- Shave legs (if I feel slutty that night and don’t have period);
- Possibly, even run to waxing scary Russian woman (if it is date 4 and the 70’s bush is getting out of hand);
- Get into hot date outfit;
- Choose bag and shoes and put them on; and
- Order taxi because I cannot actually walk in chosen shoes.
So dude, you have no FUCKING reason to be late.
- Do not drink too much
Nothing says I have no class better than getting drunk and putting that fear of god into her that you may actually vomit on her. Trust me there are very few people not totally in the dark kink scene who actually want to be vomited on, she is most likely not one of those. Don’t take the risk.
- Do not openly pursue other women
Unless she is legally blind she will notice, even if she is legally blind she will notice.
She will notice. Do this at your peril, because no one likes to me made a fool of.
This is the most unelegant and disrespectful thing you can do to someone who is giving you his or her time.
- Do not suggest you are one of many dates or that she is slutty in ANY way
“You must have so many Tinder dates”, “You must have so many dates, generally”, “You must be so busy given how may matches you have”, “There is no way a woman like you is single”. Really? Am I sitting having drinks with my 20 other dates? Well no. And how is my status relevant to this date?
I often am tempted to just say, even if one can lick their own balls does not mean one should.
You are being given your chance, be interesting, do not judge or stress about my other opinions, this is none of your business.
Similarly, do not say, “It’s all about sex for women like you“.
WTF? “Women like me”, what are you talking about? People with functioning vaginas? People that speak to men? People who openly display their ankles? Women have sex, they have been doing this since the dawn of time, otherwise you would have never been born. It is fun – mostly, unless you are sitting next to a repressed toad.
I and most ladies never want to deal with defending a position where they are being called a slut.
Get your judgmental arse out of the bar and into a church group or simply deal with the fact that I do not want to slut with you. Simply, so boring.
Why do men still believe you have been waiting around just for his penis?
- Do not force yourself onto her
Unless you have carefully outlined the parameters of your BDSM relationship, do not shake her, grab her; force her to kiss you or anything else that is aggressive or simply abusive.
Not only is this unpleasant but IT IS A CRIME. The Oktoberfest does not change this rule, nothing does. SHAME ON YOU.
Think of consent as a cup of tea. You have the choice to actually drink the tea, you can refuse a cup at any time, you may want to even stop drinking it if it does not taste so great.
This is exactly the same!
- Pay the goddam bill you tight son of a bitch!
You’re over 35, employed and splitting a 20 Euro bill. Go back to the hole from which you came.
I have already deleted you.
Finally, never say the following because it simply makes you look like a dick:
- “Actually, I should have become a surgeon or strategy consultant”, whatever, because that is what all the other boys did, but I chose a different route and did (insert some token bullshit job) or better yet AM SELF EMPLOYED. YUP, you are right, should have gone mainstream and actually made a decent career, no disagreement here.
- “I don’t believe in marriage because I have seen too many bad divorces” What this actually means: I am a serious tight-arse and don’t want to share MY money should WE ever split up – you’re also the guy who splits a 20 euro bill. Don’t be that guy.
- “Why does my wife never want to have sex with me? What is wrong with me?” – Dude, you need a therapist and not a date. This is NOT my job.
Thank you Gentlemen, I very much look forward to some very pleasant evenings together!