Subject:
Me on destroying it before it even begins, a new record. Btw, who only has 99 problems anyway?
Question:
Is it better to have loved and lost or not to have loved at all?
Is it easier to simply never put yourself in a place where you could be left broken?
How many of us are guilty of this? Let me answer = many.
That it is happening, more and more as we get older and more and more broken is abundantly clear.
Dating at 40 is going to be like entering an insane asylum.
Status Quo:
Lukewarm is the current the flavor on the month – don’t suggest that there can be any other temperature because it will NOT end well. At least not with the “Cool” cold blooded reptiles among us.
Background:
I recently experimented with the “no sex before marriage rule” ok, ok let’s be realistic, before the 10th or so date rule on the premise that if it does not work out, or if I do my normal freak out, it will be easier to get over someone who has not been on top of you.
You know what, what a load of shit.
He held my hand, we shared moments dammit, he made me feel like he wanted me, the fire in me, all my hundreds of shades of shitty grey and not just a quick roll in the hay. We even had a song (I know, I suck, I really do).
Now, as I watch myself slowly (yet with sincere conviction) destroying it because I know he is getting close to underneath the layer of distance I have become so comfortable with even before the 10th date! – it is not easier to move on than from the ones I just “fucked” – it is a million times harder.
I simply wish he had given me at least one real reason to stay, one real reason to fight – but as we are all so competitive in our world of who is more fucked up and because the circumstances are deemed too difficult he could not. A shame really. I cannot blame him, I would have done exactly the same. I did.
Fact is, I already liked him without the emotional connection of sex – he embedded himself into my every day and the thought that he may be gone makes me sad because I know with absolute certainty I will miss him.
Result:
Here we go, withdrawal and this time, not of the cheap kind.
Seems you cannot win whichever way you try.
Yours, listening to a seriously depressing breakup album (Nick Cave anyone?) for no apparent reason,
Scarlett.