On Choosing Between Your Family and Your Freedom

I have always been fascinated with the idea of marriage. I have been married for about ten years and have three very young children. Ever since I was a little girl my greatest ambition was to have a kick-ass career. That’s it. Not marriage, not children. It isn’t that I didn’t want them, they were just not on my must-do list. Ok, there was a few years-long phase starting some time in college after I had broken up with my high-school sweetheart of five years in which I swore that marriage and children were the degradation of woman and I would never do it. I was broken. A little by the breakup, a little by my own parents’ marriage, which appeared to be a struggle.

Then I met the love of my life. Jb. I loved everything about him and needed him in my life. We dated for two years while I was in law school then I moved to his city and he proposed to me. My analysis went something like this: Well, I love him and I’m with him. I want to be. I’ve moved to his country, so…why wouldn’t I marry him? You marry the man you love, duh.

Ten years later I still agree with that analysis…but, I think there are other quite valid analyses and justifications for marriage which I can also get behind. The thing is, I am a student of observation, intuition, and natural instinct. If I analyze the idea of marriage based upon any of those factors or combination thereof, a whole lot more comes into play than just love.

Marriage Analysis – Observation

As much as it pains me to regurgitate this fact, I simply must: 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Now my question is, why? What makes a blushing couple which stands at the alter or wherever, saying “I do” decide they don’t at some point?

I can venture some guesses such as infidelity, abuse, boredom, misguidance, and so on. We all have our personal principles set, and for me of the guesses above abuse is certainly the one which I think absolutely justifies divorce. Infidelity isn’t great, but we’ll get to that later. The point is that half the couples are just unwilling to stick it out until death do they part.

On Infidelity

I recently spoke to a friend who told me of a mutual friend’s divorce. His wife left him for another man. My friend and I found it really sad, particularly since the couple has two teenage children. He told me he found it tragic that families have to be ripped apart just because one party messed around. But his reasoning was: Why can’t they just fool around and keep their unit intact? I wholeheartedly agreed.

Our society labels infidelity as tantamount to a crime. I’m pretty sure that it is actually a crime on some law books. This baffles me, since everyone that I know, married or not, who has been in a relationship for a while, at some point in time and space, at the very least, has roved their eye, or went even further with a side piece. Chris Rock said it best when he said “men are only as faithful as their options”. So for those who have never at least looked and lusted…which is even condemned by some religions, well, I think your options are the problem. How do I know? It’s human nature baby. We are built to lust.

On the History of Marriage

Am I the only person who knows that historically, marriage was created to strengthen political or professional bonds, increase territory, power or wealth? Status would be solidified by the union, while the spouses lead separate lives, that is, doing what they wanted to do with whom they wanted to do it. Yaaasss! I dare not think that this is not public knowledge by now. Marriage based on love is new darlings. As in, very recent times in the big picture.

Being a married woman I see very clearly the economic benefits of marriage. My husband and I both work, so that’s two incomes. Together we are indomitable, each of us bringing our strengths to the table in certain areas, taking the lead where we shine, and bringing home major wins for the family. We are building an empire. I am a pretty awesome boss lady, but my husband has also contributed massively to my success with his coaching, experience, and expertise. He just knows some things that I don’t. If you asked him, he would tell you that I get the credit for many big decisions that have been platinum for us, and also help him achieve monster status in his career. We are a great team. For anything less than abuse, I think I’ll stay put.

As regards infidelity, my preference would be none, in a perfect world. Second choice would be keep it clean, don’t let it touch our family, and we’re good. Oh? You don’t like that? You think that is a low standard and pathetic? Well, either you’re not in a marriage or serious long-term relationship, which naturally evolves over time, living in a fantasy world, or have no freaking options, because to think that anyone with options is incapable of dipping into another cookie jar, you better think again and come back to the world where the rest of us dwell.

Look at the stats. Observe the stories of famous people, and those of your friends. I would bet your friends have amazing stories. I know mine do. Some are fucking down the city because they love the d; some of their men are getting their dicks sucked or more by other chicks; some are planning and lusting over their first or next lover, just waiting for that option to present itself; and on and on. Everyone I know has either dipped, been dipped on, or is thinking about or desiring to dip. Back to those options.

On Freedom or Family

The collective way of thinking is that you either stay or get single if you want to be free to dip into other cookie jars. What you do not do, is dip while married or taken. If so, then split up.

I have another proposal. Since it seems most people are dipping to various degrees, perhaps we should accept the way nature has built us, and place the value of keeping the unit together and strong far higher than the shot to the ego of being “cheated on”. Perhaps we should adopt a bit more of a laissez faire attitude so that people don’t feel criminal if their eyes roam or more. I imagine it is the perceived criminality of it all that causes the “wronged” to offer busting up the family as the only response. If you agree that nature has built us this way, then such a response seems excessive, and in many cases, stupid.

I love fidelity, as evidenced by a few of our posts here on Hold My Lipstick. But based upon my observation, it seems that everlasting fidelity is much more of an ideal than a reality. Everyone has an Achilles heel, and at some point someone could come kick that shit, and have you eating all the damn cookies from someone else’s cookie jar. Make no mistake, I know some masters who just don’t get caught. I also know some partners who turn a blind eye because they don’t want to deal. So the stats don’t even tell the whole story.

The benefits of adopting a looser attitude toward relationships and marriage are endless. I truly believe the world would be safer and we would all be happier. If you’re not convinced, just look at the stories of lovers or partners who were wronged going postal and killing their mate, just because of infidelity. That’s bullshit. We should do better by accepting our natural instinct instead of trying in yet another area to snuff out what nature has gifted us. It never turns out well when we do that.

By accepting ourselves, the “flawed” human being, we would worry less about being “cheated on”. Can you imagine just not worrying about that? We would all be able to live in the light, and it would eliminate the need for people to dwell in the darkness for fear of being judged, ostracized, or losing what they have worked hard for, all because a hypocritical society tells them that they have to choose. On behalf of all mankind, the darkness dwellers, I say society, bite me.


Rock

Author: Rock

The eternal sisterhood warrior, Rock motivates women all over the world to stand up and roar. She's Editor-in-Chief at Hold My Lipstick where she gives the authors and the crazies as much rope as they need to swing far off the edge...she knows they always make it back home intact.