Tinder Fail – Diary of a Tinder Virgin

I first heard about Tinder on a comedy series, where the person who was on it was being ridiculed. Tinder, the hookup app. This was over a year ago. I know I know, it’s been out for a few years, but it really just got popular over the past two years or so. Anyway, I never gave it another thought, my dating and sex life were too hot for me to care. My girl Scarlett is all about it, so I got curious. Then a friend brought it up a couple of months ago, and there was this Tinder business again. Her story was that a Tinder hookup lead to marriage. So a few weeks ago I got curious and decided to log on…

What the hell? Is this a fuck app? Ok let me back up. The first mistake I made was not knowing that Tinder was an app. So what did I do? I googled it! I hit up Google to take me to the “website”. I know, dinosaur style. So I found a site which I will not name, but it did have “Tinder” in the name. From the beginning the pictures looked real sketchy. I was done when I saw a dude’s profile pic of his ass. Hole. Yuk. I ran and screamed, dropped the laptop and vowed to never go back. I went back. Realized it was an app. Downloaded it. Tinder here I am!

Tinder Fail Swipe 1: Left – Nope Nope Nope

So I the über pickiest of them all should not be here. I will not like anyone, like literally. So swipe left swipe left swipe left until Tinder sent me a warning. Not really but they probably would have. This is boring, the dudes aren’t my type, I’ve got things to do. I’m done.

After that I forgot about it. Then two months later someone mentioned a guy they met on Tinder, and I thought, “Oh yeah, I should go back”.

Tinder Fail Swipe 2: Swipe Right!

After another million “nopes” I see a cutie pie. Hello baby. Come to mama. I swipe right! My first time, yay! Then I saw that we were a match! I’m crazy excited now, because I figure it means he swiped right for me too. Duh. You guys are probably wondering why I got so excited, but when it’s your first time, baby it’s exciting.

Me and cutie pie exchanged a few messages. Then I decide he’s taking too long to respond and I’m not with that, so, delete. Boy bye. A few hours is a long time right? And not even overnight. Not Gigi.

So back to the swiping board. I got really confused at some point and my fingers pressed the star. Wtf? Super like who? What? No no no. How do I undo that? I didn’t even see his face! Bwwaaaaaaa. I go back to google to figure out how to undo super like. I get the worst news. I’m stuck, unless I get Tinder plus. Nah.

Tinder Fail Swipe 3: A Face to Love?

I lost hope, but I kept at it. Excitement-hunting is a serious thing. Two million nopes, then hello hello. How you doooing baby? A face I could kiss, lick, sit on. And we are officially in chats. I hope he is even more delicious in person. We have to meet right? That’s what this is all about. I hope he’s not short, I hope his voice isn’t disgusting, and I hope he has excellent hygiene. I’m scared.

I have no idea what to do in this Tinder land. But what happens in Tinder land stays on Hold My Lipstick. I’ll tell you all about it…

What’s your Tinder tale or fail? Tell Gigi!

Check out Scarlett’s Tinder tales here!


Author: Gigi

Gigi is a financial wiz dominating the corporate world by day and a naughty girl dating in one of the world's greatest cities by night. Enjoy as she brings you along for a wild ride through the Pink Room.